The idea of having to wait a few months before entering a spousal bereavement group has always struck me as counter-intuitive. Your grief is fresh, you feel overwhelmed, you don’t know where to turn. And just when you finally find the strength to seek help, you’re asked to wait. It’s “too soon,” you’re told – even though the intensity of your loss seems to defy time. You’re aching with loneliness – not only for your beloved partner, but for someone who knows what it’s like, someone else in the “same boat” who can understand the depth of your pain because they’re feeling their own.

While the reasons for waiting are valid and well documented -- in the early stages of grieving it can be overwhelming to be surrounded by others beset by their own pain -- the urgency to find someone to listen empathically and unconditionally is equally compelling.

Support in those early weeks and months can be your bedrock when everything else in your midst feels so unstable. Often a good friend or family member can be just who you need to help you make it through those inconsolable moments. But sometimes your closest allies (because they are so close) find it difficult to allow you the time and space you need to bear your sorrow, and even though they so desperately want to be “there” for you, they may not be able to be “with” you in the way you need them to be. You may begin to feel as if you’re not grieving fast enough, that you should be “moving on” when you’re barely able to move, period. And even though you may know intellectually that everyone grieves in their own way in their own time, you may be left with the sense that you’re not living up to some ideal of how to grieve.            

It’s when you find yourself at this kind of an impasse that you might want to consider some short-term supportive grief work with a therapist skilled at working with the recently bereaved. In my experience, just a few sessions can be extremely useful in helping newly widowed women and men find ways of living with the early feelings of shock and pain that accompany the profound loss of a spouse.  By offering emotionally attuned understanding in a confidential setting, a bereavement therapist can provide a safe haven where the depth of your grief can be expressed at your own pace and in your own way. Support of this type in the first few months of your mourning can provide a meaningful bridge toward sharing your loss with others in a bereavement group.

The specific needs of the young widowed have been a focus of my bereavement work in recent years. While spousal bereavement services are widely available in most metropolitan areas, I have found that there are few services that address the particular experience of losing a spouse when you’re in your 20’s, 30’s or 40’s. The loss of a loved one (especially your spouse) at any age can be devastating, but the challenges you face if you’ve been widowed young are unique and distinct from someone who has shared a lifetime of marriage. The economic impact of your loss alone can be stunning, especially if you have young children. But there are other, more intangible obstacles, like watching your peers expand their families while yours has been cut short, or having your parents step in and suddenly feel they should take charge of your life now that you’re alone. Young widowed people often have the sense that their friends, particularly those made while their spouse was still alive, seem to avoid contact, as if being widowed were contagious. Or, worse still, your friends want to embrace you and your grieving family, but being with them only heightens your sense of loss. All of this can create a sense of alienation that adds to your experience of grief and isolation. Finding someone who has the expertise to help you make sense of these very complex feelings can be an important starting point for future healing.

 

Making That First Call

The decision to come into therapy is, of course, highly personal and varies from individual to individual. Sometimes it comes after a traumatic event like a breakup, the death of a loved one, or any kind of loss that seems to have “pulled the rug out from under” you. Other times people find themselves reaching out for help without being able to pinpoint any one reason or event, but instead describe a persistent sense of things “not working,” of feeling sad, anxious, and/or bewildered, or perhaps agitated, angry, or resentful. They may complain of longstanding feelings of low self-esteem that have kept them in a low-paying job or a problematic relationship; or they may feel they’ve been “cheated by life” because things aren’t going the way they were supposed to – maybe they didn’t get the promotion they went for, or the person, or they experienced some other kind of intense disappointment. Perhaps a parent, partner, co-worker or friend has sensed that “something is wrong” and suggested (gently or forcefully) that they seek help, or maybe the impetus came from within.

Whatever the reason(s) for making that first call, it takes a great deal of courage to put your heart and soul in the hands of another, and to trust that this person whom you don’t yet know will have the sensitivity to understand what is wrong and the wisdom and skills to help make things better.

FINDING EMOTIONAL BALANCE

Finding a sense of emotional balance can be challenging, if not daunting. It can sometimes
feel as if everyone else has the “answer” and you’re the only one who can’t make
things happen – whether it’s having difficulty establishing and/or maintaining
meaningful relationships, or finding work that is both gratifying and
financially rewarding. 

You may be 20-something and struggling to start out, or 30-something and still searching, or in your 40’s, 50’s or older and don’t know why you continue to feel that somehow things aren’t coming together. Or perhaps you did find what you wanted and experienced that sense of well being, but then suffered some life-changing event (the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, divorce, a serious illness), and you can’t seem to shake those feelings of sadness, alienation and longing for what you once had. You might feel overwhelmed by anxiety or stuck in the rut of depression; or you might find yourself over-eating or drinking more than you should; or maybe you’ve found a quick fix in sex or drugs or pornography. Perhaps you’ve been aware that you’re having difficulty but you can’t even put your finger on what’s wrong. You’ve just hoped you’d get over it, or thought you could solve it on your own. But nothing seems to have worked.

Often, by the time people come into therapy, they’ve tried to fix the problem themselves, but the tools they have at their disposal, tools that may have helped in the past, are no longer effective.
That’s when another set of eyes and ears can help you find new answers to old problems.

I believe that therapy is a way of restoring emotional balance. Through active listening, empathy and reflection I try to help you identify what’s creating your struggle so that together we can
work on removing the obstacles to your fulfillment.